Real Life

Yesterday was 9/11.

Like everyone else in this country I will NEVER forget that day.

We were in Cloudcroft, NM with our BFFs the Hales.

It seemed like the whole world was quiet that day.

Eerie.

I can still feel that unsettled feeling in my stomach just remembering. 

We lived along the path of military planes at the time in Benbrook, Texas and the sound of those planes coming over us to land was something I honestly had never noticed.

Until that day.

Every, single, time.

Fear rose up.

It was such a scary time for this country.

God bless those that survived that day.

That have to remember so closely the emotions.

I can't imagine.

Remembering 9/11 and the talk of NYC made me remember our trip coming up in December.

The worlds best husband surprised me with the trip of my dreams for my birthday.

I threw myself into planning and then my world got tipped upside down.

It makes me feel guilty to think of leaving them to go have fun.

I'm trying so hard to hold it together, but truth is, I'm not doing a very good job.

Not inside this house.

On the outside looking in? AWESOME.

Behind the doors? Notsoawesome.

My boys health is GREAT now that we have a diagnosis.

They are safer now than they've been in their whole life. 

Who knew?

With medication and no activity and doctor's appointments and specialist and procedures they will be just fine. We will do everything in our power to keep them safe. 

However, every day they speak words that break my heart.

Safe? Yes.

Good? Not so much.

Their identities have been stripped away from them and they are struggling to regain their footing.

As are the rest of us.

Case asked me last night who he could blame for all of this.

I'm not sure what he expected to hear from me.

Maybe permission to blame God?

His Daddy?

Me?

I told him the same thing I tell myself every single day.

There's no one to blame. God is changing us. He's redirecting the path of this family. He's grabbing our shoulders and turning us around and saying, "wrong way, kids. THIS WAY. To the left." 

He liked it.

He accepted my answer like a champ even thought I know it wasn't what he thought I might say.

The next words made me laugh...then cry when he left.  Like always.

"What am I going to be when I grow up now?" I wanted to be a police man and now I can't. Police guys have to run to chase the bad guys. I can't do that!"

Me: "Maybe God wants you to be a pediatric cardiologist and change the lives of other kids with HCM. Maybe find a cure?"

Case:"YEAH!!!! That's what I'll do . I'll find a cure. Cure myself. THEN go be a police officer."

That last part was the kicker. 

Do y'all know any Pediatric Cardiologist Police Officers out there? ;)

I love him. 

My girls have been so great to their bothers.

Their attitudes are perfect.

They are precious and understanding and heartbroken just the same.

I also struggle with feeling like I am sharing to much. 

However, this year's blog book will sit on my coffee table just the same as the past years. 

I want to remember so we can look back at the hard times and be grateful for the steps we've made.

If I start feeling like there is negativism coming from it, I'll make this little blog private. 

I keep telling everyone we are taking this one day at a time.

I guess the fact that I just told everyone that I'm struggling is a good sign, right?